So as you can guess from the title of this post it is 3am and once more I am wide awake. Yes I know I probably shouldn't be blogging as that's no way to achieve sleep but even if I wasn't I would still be wide awake. For the last few nights I have even left my notebook and tablet downstairs but then again I have been reading another good book that seems to have it's claws in me. For once I don't even have silly songs or questions dancing about myhead. Then again watch them all come flooding in now. What is keeping me awake though is this incessant ache in my legs. My muscles just burn so much and then they twitch and spasm. It is a nightmare to try and get comfy and when I do they soon play up again. For the last few nights I have tried massaging them before I go to bed and have noticed a small improvement but I generally need to keep toped up with cocodomol and strap a hot water bottle to them as well.
When I was at college studying Stage Manangement and working on shows there was a lot of heavy lifting involved and I would ache so much the day after a get in or get out. On one show we had to basically build a theatre, so stage, seating bank and it just so happened to be in a building with a glass domed ceiling, which of course is no good for a matinee performance so cue lots of moving and assembling of steeldeck (blocks of staging made out of heavy ass steal that 4m x 2m) and then getting onto the roof and trying to cover the glass dome without breaking it whilst stood in the rain and moss. And that's before putting up any lights, which believe me aren't all that light. But non of that compares to how much I ache with this condition. At least then I had a reason to ache and a sense of fulfillment.
On the other hand though I think I am also being a bit stubborn about sleeping. Do you everjust get board of sleeping? Like a child that won't go to bed beacuse it's still light outside. Something in my stubborn subconscious just says 'nah, not interested in doing that. You've been sleeping for most of the day.' It's funny because during the day it likes to say 'nah, sleep, sleep, sleep don't wake up just yet.' Perhaps this is because I am not sleeping until late at night or early morning so as they say my body clock is all back to front. But do we have a body clock with M.E? Surely the whole point is that that is the point; our bodyclocks are not back to front but every which way and any which way. I often see periods of being awake as a blessing, even at ridiculous o'clock but it is definitely not good when everyone else is asleep and you rely on them to get around or you feel like company. Likewise if you are asleep for most of the day then you miss out on company, or getting out, and important things like eatingg regularly. Even just glimpsing that small, teeny weeny bit of sunlight that will help us have a grasp of time and somewhere deep in the backs of our brains make us feel just a bit better.
Right now I am sufferingg with a combination of the 2. My legs are burning like mad and I really need to get out of bed to sort them out but everyone is asleep. I'm coming round to the idea of wanting to sleep though or maybe it's just the need to sleep taking over from my stubborness. Well I'm glad it listens to something. So I'll be off to try and sleep and try to ease this pain.