This week I have found myself trying to be the voice of reason, a peace maker and advice giver. Basically a friend and actually where I would normally place myself. If someone was havng problems then I would support them and seek them out to simply ask how they are or offer advice or just a listening ear. No matter who they were. Well obviously not random stangers but lets say 'facebook friends' that I know but not all that well. To give an example, if someone wrote that they were feeling depressed and I mean genuinely depressed not I've had a pants day or my nail broke depressed then I have offered to listen. To be an inpartial ear that won't judge them and to offer up some of my own experience with depression. One girl that I knew lost her father and so every day to help her just have something to try and make her smile sent her a funny picture of a cat (she likes funny pictures of cats, otherwise that would have been strange). I think it is just in my nature to care and to often put other people first. That's part of why I loved stage managing as it was about looking after lots of different people and getting them to work together. I always made myself approachable or would approach them if I could see they were struggling. Maybe when you have had depression you can see things more clearly, who knows. It certainly isn't a bad quality to have.
Anyway this week there have been a few situations where I have wanted to be there for people and it has been my natural instinct to do so. But it has really taken it's toll on me. Making me more fatigued and achey and my brain has gone haywire, my recall of words or conveying what I want to say has been shockingly. I am not bitching or saying that I wish I hadn't been there, because that goes against my nature. I just mean that investing so much emotion and also recieving it and processing it is taking it's toll on this already shell shocked body and mind. The main incident I really wouldn't not have said anything, I simply had too. I felt that I had something to offer them in their time of need, like I say even if it was just an ear to listen. But I could not leave it, wouldn't want to, never even crossed my mind to. Regardless of the after effects.
However I know somethings I should probably not get so agitated or worked up by. Things that have no consequence really to my everyday life. The thing is though in some ways having M.E has made me a bit hard. I am experiencing a life that should be alien to me and my family but that every day, every hour, every minute it affects my life and theirs in many unpleasant ways. It's there all the time and to say that somedays I absolutely hate it would be an understatement. My whole outlook on life has changed. I should just let somethings pass. But in growing slightly harder I have also found a voice that wants to be heard. Hey I'm blooging, aren't I? I guess sometimes I can just get frustrated. So many people do not realise what they have. Life is just one big social media update without them actually experiencing the lives that they are priveledged to have. Maybe I say this because of what is happening to me because of all I've been through but all the same we are certainly living in a world of what's next, rather than what do I have. Finding a stronger voice though is no bad thing either, I probably could have done with being a bit tougher. Learning to say no to things. Not being afraid of others opinions. But of course if you open your mouth there are going to be people that don't like what you say. Leading to more feelings of agitation. Okay I'm not taking what they say to heart but the confrontation again takes more out of me than is good for me.
So I guess it's good to find a voice and I don't think I will ever stop being caring but learning to fight the good fight is probably a good lesson to learn. Choosing more carefully when to speak up and when not to. When to use a spoon and when not to waste one. Then again I guess you never know how the other person is going to react. But I won't upset myself too much over trivial things. I don't have the energy for that and I can quite easily shut it off now. Us M.E sufferers have enought to contend with. So if I'm battling for you and offering my spoons and ears know that you are dear to me. But you know what I know who I am and I like who I am.