Have you ever had the experience of falling asleep on the couch and then when you get into bed and switch off the light you're wide awake? Well as wide awake as someone with M.E can be. Odd isn't it? It's not as if you're not tired as you were falling asleep minutes before but no matter how much you think you might drift off you simply can't. I know getting up and blogging about it probably isn't the most affective way of achieving slumber but at the moment my head seems to be full of ideas for posts. Or certain sentences will pop into my head and beg to be taken note of. I seem to not have the ability to say "okay that's all well and good but right now I kind of need some sleep, yes I know I've had lots already and thank you for that, I'll file it away and put it on the to do list whilst I shut down and focus on sleep." I literally get pestered until I act upon it, if I can. It's like my brain saying "erm, excuse me but you have not used me enough today so I would like you to now think of.... blah, blah blah!" No matter how pointless the thought is it's as if it is of the upmost importance to my health or life and it's not just at bedtime either but that is definitely the most annoying time for it to happen.
I have been like that for several years. It's part of the reason I would stay late at college so that I could get as much done and not lie awake thinking have I done this? And I have to say I slept better for it but was that simply through exhausting myself? During my dissertation I would have a notebook handy by my bed because I would get ideas in the night, actually they were quite good ones too, surprisingly. I can kind of understand it with things that are prominent part of your life at the time but what is with all this nonsense vying for attention and not being able to shut it out. I have spoken before about getting children's songs stuck in my head or needing to Google the lyrics to a Right Said Fred song. Honestly why? Yes I accept that I will have random thoughts but why do I have to give them so much air? Why can't I simply say "okay that's enough now but all thoughts are grounded for the night while I catch some zzz's." It's infuriating. I watched a program about sleep disorders not long ago and there was a woman on there that would be falling asleep downstairs but then as soon as she got into bed she would be wide awake mostly all night. The years of insomnia, (literally decades) had left her so anxious about going to bed that just that short journey upstairs was enough for that tiredness to disappear and for fear of not being able to sleep to take over and consequently keep her awake all night. So in her case her psychology had a lot to do with it and the more that she couldn't sleep the more anxious she got. It's the same with falling asleep in cars etc because the motion is inductive for sleep but also because the last thing that you are thinking about is sleep.
My brain might suffer from a touch of brain fog (haha coincidentely it took me ages just to write that so maybe not just a bit) and I can often go into a shop and not come out with what I went in for (isn't that annoying when you've pushed the boat out, and feel like you literally have, to get to the shop in the first place) but surely if something is that important then I can trust my brain to remind me of it at a more suitable time. I'm not sure I've been letting it have the chance too. It's always been problem: solution: solved: done in quick succession. Oh how I wish I could deal with M.E in the same manner and maybe that's why I'm often so frustrated with it, because I can't apply what I have come to rely on as logic to it.
The answer very clearly lies in the solution part instead of saying "full steam ahead, let's get out the notebook or Google those song lyrics". It needs to become "interesting but remind me again" or "just shove off." It's about changing my habits and psychology, which may take some time. Maybe leaving my tablet and notebook downstairs so that I can't be tempted. So while I can literally feel my head filling with more posts inspired by what I've just wrote I'm going to practice saying "no, not now" and put my pen down.