Thursday, 23 May 2013

A new way of fighting

First of all I've found that quote that I was trying to think of, I'm not sure who said it as I found it on Pinterest but it says:
'It's a beautiful thing when a  career and a passion come together'

My plan for today is at some poing to get a few more things packed. No I'm not going into hospital at least I hope not but I'm going on my holidays! Whey! Whoop or more aptly opaa! 

Firstly I want to go back to where I left off in the post 'what shall we do with a drunken sailor?' Now where was I, oh that's right in bed of course. I'd like to think of myself as determined; sometimes empassionately so and I think people that know me would definitely agree. I got called a human machine once, human machine is much nicer than being called a machine as it implies you still have emotions, which I do. There was a time when all someone had to do was mention something and I'd make it happen. Hello New York! Although that was very definitely my idea too but as soon as my mate agreed to go it was pretty much all booked within the next ten minutes. Plus you have already heard aboutsome of my determindness at college. So there I was in bed, getting plenty of rest and determined to see it as a positive thing. I decided to call it 'my new way of fighting.'

In previous situations where I'd been determined to achieve something I would use the skills at my disposal. So for example with New York it was my love of research and ability to find a bargain. Who doesn't love a good bargain? Honestly cake tins from Poundworld are fabulous and only a pound or is it 97p now? Anyway I digress. Well much like that I was now going to use my resources to help me get what I wanted, which was to get back to college as soon as possible. So I saw sleep as my weapon of choice. I even described it as such to my doctor, who was impressed with my positive attitude. 

When I had been ill in the past with depression and anxiety I had to keep fighting and try to stay strong despite my mind telling me that it couldn't be bothered. I had to distract myself with lots of physical and mental activity to try to keep the bad thoughts at bay, which isn't easy when every time you go out you shake like a leaf from the anxiety. This is what I had tried to do in college; as soon as I'd started to ail I jumped on it and tried to stamp it out. Nothing was going to spoil my fun! This time round however I didn't have the ability to fight with physical distractions but I did have a positive outlook and lots of sleep at my disposal. So like I said sleep became 'my new way of fighting.' I trusted that my body knew what it wanted and therefore I wouldn't try to fight against it and that way I'd win in the long run.

However resting means having lots of time on your hands to think and think and think about what is happenning to you and what you're missing out on. According to Facebook everyone is having the time of their lives or the biggest drama ever; of course they're not really as they're on their computers or phones too busy writing about it than experiencing it. Then there are the completely "where on earth did that come from?' thoughts; like Richarx O'brian (of Rocky Horry and Crystal Maze fame) and the lead singer from Right said Fred are not the same person are they? I adored them both growing up so I pretty much already knew that they weren't but that's the brain for you. Most annoyingly though, apart from these questions begging to be answered at 3am is to get CBeebies songs stuck in your hea. My mum works as a childminder so this happens quite often. No no no no no I donot want to have tea with Miss Mouse at this time thank you. (From Show me Show me.)

But when you've been living an active life , to suddenly be doing very little is incredibley boring. Television wise I still hold by my vow to never watch Jeremy Kyle no matter how bored I become and want to seek solace in the complicated lives of others that i when I'll know I've changed beyond recognition and besides that's what You've been Framed is for. I did go through a phase o watching Extreme Couponing (a program about people who are obsessed with collecting coupons and would get about $1000 worth of food shopping for around $200, not that they even needed most of it) something just fascinated me about the mentality of these people. I also like programs on hoarding for the same reason. The brain is such a complex organ it's just sad that sometimes it messes people up so much that they can't even throw away a used tea bag. Now that I've enlightened you  all a little what is available on the 2 million sky channels I should probably get back to the point.

I think my biggest fear at the time was becoming overwhelmingly depressed again and worrying about it only made me more fearful. Yes it is possible to worry about worrying but that gets you nowhere as the actual reason you're worried doesn't get addressed and becomes lost. Having been through it you learn to pick up on the signs much quicker and therefore can address it or even just simply talk about it and get it off your chest before it takes over. So this time I had to follow a new 'action' plan, which incase I haven't said it enough was to rest and to talk a lot with my parents, because they are the best.

After a while though Id start to get bored and irritated. Cabin fever was setting in. "I've got cabin fever it's going to my brain, I've got cabin it's driving me insane, la la la la la, la!" A little reference there to one of my favourite films , Muppets Treasure Island. Writing this blog I am realising just how often I could break into song. It' the theatre darling, yah! To try to relieve some of these feeling my mum would take me out, mainly shopping to a shopping centre about 15 minutes drive away. I do love to shop just not when it's busy though or ever on a Saturday in Liverpool Primark, or the January sales when the shops are just full of tat from 12 seasons ago and people thinking it's the best thing ever. I never really managed to get round many shop though, sometimes only one and then I'd either feel like I was going to fall asleep in the middle of Tesco or fall asleep in the car on the drive home. The more this happened (not always shopping but visiting family or going out for dinner) the more frustrating it got. It seemed to not matter how much I slept and I just thought to put it mildly "what on earth is going on?" So I went back to the doctors and explained that how much I was sleeping but I was still wanting to fall asleep no matter where I was. He said that it was strange but as it had only been a relatively short period of time he couldn't give any definite answers other than to check my bloods for thyroid problems, vitamin levels and glandular fever and to just keep on resting as I had been.

The bloods came back clear but still a month later I felt no better. My mum had mentioned M.E a few times before and had even asked the doctors in the hospital about it but it had been dismissed. I began to do some research online and found that to be diagnosed with M.E you have to have been feeling overwhelmingly fatigued for over 4 months and experience other symptoms such as headaches, muscle pains, sore glands, brain fog and gastro problems (there are more but I'd be here all day.) It was enlightening, I thought that this could explain everything although I hadn't reached the 4 month stage then. Now just a word of warning about researching medical symptoms online. It is very easy to convince yourself that you have stomach cancer when you're probably just hungry. On my next trip to the doctors I asked whether it was a possibility that  had M.E and he said that it was possible as I'd seen no improvement so far but it was probably best to give it a bit more time. I had mixed feelings about this, on the one hand it was a relief that there could be an answer out there but then on the other hand  I had to wait a bit longer to get it.

So this is now my 3rd post from back in the early days of my M.E journey and I'm aware that  haven't even got to my diagnosis yet and that is oddly what waiting for a diagnosis feels like, a long wait. I hope I haven't bored anyone but I feel it's all relevant. Those first 4 months are in some respects the hardest because you have no clue what's happening to you and medically your body is classed as fine. This is so frustrating to try to explain to others, especially when your seeking time off because they want answers too and you simply can't give them any. If anyone is going through this at the moment then try to persevere. Find a GP that understands and don't be afraid to voice your concerns. M.E is a recognised condition now, we're no longer laughed at or called lazy (well not by everyone) as people were in the 1980s. At the very least they can rule out other conditions that can cause fatigue. Likewise please pass on this blog to anyone you know who suspects they may have M.E. 

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