The answer with no answers

I have to say I can't wait to get on this plane tomorrow, no matter how much I'm worrying about getting on the plane physically with these wobbly legs. I'm sure adrenalin will kick in. A week in the sun will hopefully do me the world of good. Vitamin D is proven to lift moods and can have a positive affect on M.E symptoms and then there's the relaxation and I am going to try some gentle excercise for my legs in the pool.

In this post I promise to finally get up to the point of my diagnosis with M.E, so let me follow on from my last post 'a new way of fighting.' As expected I didn't see any improvements in my levels of fatigue and was still falling asleep at the drop of a hat. My reliance on my parents became even more. I was also beginning to panic as they were due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks and I couldn't see how I was going to be able to care for myself for 2 weeks, even if my sister came in everyday after work. I would still need to get to the bathroom possibly assisted and to eat before then and as much as she loves me I don't think she'd really want to help me in the bath. Plus I didn't want to be confined to my bed even more, so that I didn't have an accident on the stairs but this would only make me feel more lonely and depressed. There would be very little escape from my thoughts. It was a risk I just couldn't face but I couldn't very well ask my parents not to go away, they very definitely deserved it. At first I jokingly told my Mum that I should go with them, well I say jokingly but it was that type of if I pretend I'm joking then I don't feel too cheeky and maybe they might start to think about it as a possibilty. In the end though I just had to be direct and say that there was no way that I could stay home alone and whether there was a possibilty of me going with them. When you have M.E as I have said it can be a struggle to ask for help, especially when you've been everyone else's help but you have to be honest with yourself and talking is always good. I'm very fortunate that I have people to listen and be able to talk openly too without fear of judgement. I'm not sure how people in this situation could do it alone, although many do and that just makes me sad and grateful for what I do have. So I finally plucked up the courage to ask and we were lucky enough that there was a seat available on their plane but there was no availability at their apartments, so we looked for a hotel that was close to theirs and luckily they had vacancies. The relief was tangible and I even felt excited. Although I did have to try and get a summer wardrobe quite quickly as I had no swimwear or dresses. So this led to some more falling asleep quickly as I tried to go out shopping. Thank goodness for internet shopping, especially when you have boobs of a certain size and can't just pop to primark. Not that I could pop anywhere really in my condition.

Before this I'd not really been the beach holiday type. I am a bit rubbish in the heat (I got sunstroke in Scarborough once!) and I used to get bored easily, lying on a sunbed all day just made me restless. My last few trips away had all been city breaks jam packed with lots of tourist attractions and exploring. However I was looking forward to the peace and quiet, of not feeling any pressure to have to do anything. And I have to say it did help. We did very little, just staying round the pool during the day and eating in the restaurant next door each night. It might sound boring but it was just perfect for how I was feeling. There were of course times that I felt rough and was aching, annoyingly my phone wasn't working over there and if my parents were at their hotel this would sometimes lead to me trying to drag myself up the road. My hotel were fantastic though and the owners let them stay there during the day, which also worked out well for them as their hotel was a bit dirty and mine was lovely. So yes I believe the sun can have a positive effect, especially emotionally but also the extra relaxation of a holiday and the lack of even simple pressures such as cooking help too. It's a shame that we can't somehow replicate that here.

Although the holiday did me good and I'd actually been able to get into a routine of sorts over there, siestas included, when I got back I was still no better. I gave it a week to see if it was just the after affects of travelling but after no improvement I went back to the doctors and he finally said that he was sure that it was M.E. Finally I had an answer all be it an unpleasant one that doesn't come with a manual of how to deal with it, it was an answer. Finally there was at least a name to what it was I was feeling and could tell others. I didn't sound like I was faking it or just being lazy. It does help to know what it is you're dealing with or as they say to 'know thy enemy' but it's just so difficult to also know that's pretty much all you know, no answers, no cure no timescale. That's why I think this blog could be useful and I respect everyone else who is blogging or setting up support groups and all the researchers who are looking for answers.

So I shan't be posting for over a week now while I'm away as much as I'm enjoying blogging and may hand write some posts, relaxation is the key and getting these little legs onto the plane.